According to research and observations of practicing psychologists, the inability to talk to each other is one of the main causes of divorce.
Photo: Natalia Deriabina
Paradoxically, couples who complain about a lack of communication actually talk quite a lot. They discuss daily chores and shopping, talk about work and vacation plans, exchange opinions about the news, and agree on who will buy groceries tomorrow. However, this is not the type of communication that can bring us closer together spiritually.
Our communication can be divided into three levels:
Informational: superficial social contacts, they are reduced to an exchange of information and common signs of attention; this is how we communicate with unfamiliar people or with acquaintances in a formal setting.
Personal: we move to this level when we exchange with others not only information but also opinions; if on the first level communication resembles a newscast, it is more like a talk show.
Intimate: the deepest level of communication, which implies intimacy and trust; it is not an exchange of opinions or even a display of friendship, but a conversation about the feelings you have for each other and around each other.
Why does this happen? There are three main reasons:
The inability to articulate feelings and express emotions ecologically. The social roles we play in society are usually equipped with a set of stereotypes with which we convey the nuances of our attitudes. But when it comes to feelings for a loved one, things get more complicated. Their value is in their authenticity. Trying to express them with templates borrowed from other areas of social communication takes away their authenticity and immediately moves you from an intimate to a more superficial level of communication.
Belief in "love telepathy." Many people believe that a loved one should be able to guess how you feel on their own. But mind reading is still a fantastic superpower from the comic books.
Fear of vulnerability. Relationships often begin with complete openness and sincerity, aided by the biochemistry of falling in love, which temporarily dulls fear and disables the neural mechanism responsible for critical perception. Over time, however, fear and control return. But the problem is that emotional invulnerability threatens the relationship on an intimate level of communication. How close you and your partner are depends directly on your mutual ability to open up, that is, to be psychologically vulnerable.
How do you solve these problems?
We suggest turning communication into a game. Or rather, in a series of games, because our game has thousands of options.
Why a game? In the game it is as if you are in a special space, you can try to step out of your usual social role, behave funny, ridiculous and maybe even strange. Your consent to participate in the game immediately translates into a more personal level of communication.
Our game is called "QQ" and consists of fifty psychological questions on various topics and of varying depth.
In order to play well, we suggest you choose a quiet place and at least twenty minutes of free time, sit opposite each other, hold hands and look directly into the eyes. Let it last a few seconds or longer, however you feel comfortable. But this simple action will help you attune, catch each other's moods. You can read our other recommendations here.
How you answer questions is up to you and your mood. You can answer the same question one at a time, you can try to anticipate each other's answers.
The game can last an hour, two or as long as you want. Simple frank dialogue gives you the chance to be alone with each other and discuss the most interesting and important thing you have: yourselves.
Extra bonuses from the game
QQ can be a simple and effective tool for introspection. Not only do you learn about your partner, but you also get to know yourself.
QQ questions are a convenient format for talking about relationship problems. In a safe environment, it is easier to decide to discuss difficult and painful topics.
"Every time we play this game, the effects are completely different," writes Julia, the creator of the game. - Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we clarify our plans for the future, and sometimes we discuss some sensitive topic and live through the situation together. After each game there is a feeling that we have discovered something important and that our relationship has become better."
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